Steady Sports: One Day After Announcing Intent To Play Football, Emma Steadman Revolutionizes The Game

Dateline: October 7, 2008, Melrose Park. Having launched herself into sports only 24 hours earlier with the announcement of her football career, Emma Steadman made a quick turn today surprising friends and competitors alike. "I've accomplished all there is to accomplish in the game of football as it is known to the world today," Ms. Steadman said in prepared remarks. "The commentators say that the beauty of football is its simplicity: one ball, two nets, and some cleats. Well, I say rubbish! Football as people have played it up until now is simple, yes, but it is boring. Kick the ball. Chase the ball. Kick the ball again. That's all there is? You have to be kidding me! I mastered it in a day, with a whole afternoon left over for milk and a nap. It is time for something better. Something new, something fresh, something exciting."

Demonstrating her proposed rules for the newly-revised game of soccer, which Ms. Steadman terms "Ball!", she laid out the following requirements to score a goal:

1. Put Cone on Head. No Player may enter the field of play without first donning appropriate headgear, which shall consist of three-dimensional orange plastic conical sections and shall never include two-dimensional Newtonian conical sections such as parabolas, hyperbolas, ovals, or circles.

2. Locate Noodle. Ms. Steadman believes that the biggest problem with soccer, at least philosophically, is its lack of handheld weapons. Baseball has bats, hockey has sticks, soccer shall forevermore involve noodles for bashing other players.

3. Shape Noodle. No player shall have a perfectly straight noodle. Any player caught with a straight noodle shall be docked 5 yards and surrender a free kick.

4. Arrange Dots. Another problem with soccer is the lack of colorful equipment. Most soccer balls have historically been black and white. Doesn't cut it. To remedy this situation, Ms. Steadman would require all players to carry at least two color-coded dots on their person at all times.

4A. Alternate Means of Moving Dots. A player is not required to merely carry the dots. Dots may be worn on any portion of the player's body that accentuates and accessorizes the hair, for example.

5. The Balls. "Part of the reason soccer is so boring is that only one thing is going on at any given time," says Ms. Steadman. "From now on, soccer will involve at least two or more color-coded balls, dyed to match the dots of the player with the best blond hair, so that play may occur on at least two portions of the pitch simultaneously."

5A. The player with the best hair may model with the balls. "There would be no point to the balls in the game of soccer if you were not allowed to look good modelling with the balls."

6. Finishing the Score. The player with the best hair and most-colorful balls finishes the scoring of the goal by taking the balls and running away from the other players as fast as possible in the other direction.