Future NHL Hall of Fame Player Makes First Appearance on Ice

Dateline: 2010 01 10. Emma Steadman, future NHL hall of famer, made her first appearance on the ice today. "It was cold," said Emma. "And I need a nickname."

Chicago Sports Family Fails to Agree on a single Team Jersey for Annual Holiday Photo.

Dateline: November 30, 2008, Oak Park. Sports Family Steadman was today unable to agree on a single team, much less a single jersey, for their annual Christmas Photo. "Blackhawks are the best Chicago team!" cried Sarah "Roku" Steadman. "The Cubs blew it at the end, the Bears are mediocre at best, who knows what's going on with the Bulls (though I acknowledge that Rose is a huge upgrade), and the Wolves are minor league!"

"You don't know nuthin," rejoined William Steadman, resplendant in his green-eyed Wolves jersey. "The Wolves have more championships in the last six years than any team within 100 miles of Chicago. When was the last time the Stanley Cup resided here? Oh, yeah, I forgot, it was before dirt was invented. Before Mom was born! Come on, get with the now!!!!!!"

"Beawrs!" shouted Emma Steadman. "Foo!"

Mom and Dad just looked on, sadly wearing their Cubs jerseys and wishing it were less than 100 years since the last title for their baseball team.

One Day After Announcing Intent To Play Football, Emma Steadman Revolutionizes The Game

Dateline: October 7, 2008, Melrose Park. Having launched herself into sports only 24 hours earlier with the announcement of her football career, Emma Steadman made a quick turn today surprising friends and competitors alike. "I've accomplished all there is to accomplish in the game of football as it is known to the world today," Ms. Steadman said in prepared remarks. "The commentators say that the beauty of football is its simplicity: one ball, two nets, and some cleats. Well, I say rubbish! Football as people have played it up until now is simple, yes, but it is boring. Kick the ball. Chase the ball. Kick the ball again. That's all there is? You have to be kidding me! I mastered it in a day, with a whole afternoon left over for milk and a nap. It is time for something better. Something new, something fresh, something exciting."

Demonstrating her proposed rules for the newly-revised game of soccer, which Ms. Steadman terms "Ball!", she laid out the following requirements to score a goal:

1. Put Cone on Head. No Player may enter the field of play without first donning appropriate headgear, which shall consist of three-dimensional orange plastic conical sections and shall never include two-dimensional Newtonian conical sections such as parabolas, hyperbolas, ovals, or circles.


2. Locate Noodle. Ms. Steadman believes that the biggest problem with soccer, at least philosophically, is its lack of handheld weapons. Baseball has bats, hockey has sticks, soccer shall forevermore involve noodles for bashing other players.


3. Shape Noodle. No player shall have a perfectly straight noodle. Any player caught with a straight noodle shall be docked 5 yards and surrender a free kick.


4. Arrange Dots. Another problem with soccer is the lack of colorful equipment. Most soccer balls have historically been black and white. Doesn't cut it. To remedy this situation, Ms. Steadman would require all players to carry at least two color-coded dots on their person at all times.


4A. Alternate Means of Moving Dots. A player is not required to merely carry the dots. Dots may be worn on any portion of the player's body that accentuates and accessorizes the hair, for example.


5. The Balls. "Part of the reason soccer is so boring is that only one thing is going on at any given time," says Ms. Steadman. "From now on, soccer will involve at least two or more color-coded balls, dyed to match the dots of the player with the best blond hair, so that play may occur on at least two portions of the pitch simultaneously."


5A. The player with the best hair may model with the balls. "There would be no point to the balls in the game of soccer if you were not allowed to look good modelling with the balls."

6. Finishing the Score. The player with the best hair and most-colorful balls finishes the scoring of the goal by taking the balls and running away from the other players as fast as possible in the other direction.


7. Revel in victory.


8. Take a nap and refuse to leave the field. "Why should I go?" asks Ms. Steadman. "I like it here."

Bend It Like Emma: the littlest Steadman takes up sport

Dateline October 6, 2008, Oak Park. Refusing to be out-done by older siblings Sarah "Roku" Steadman of the FC Penguins soccer team and William "Big Dog" Steadman of the Chicago Wolves, Emma Steadman announced today that she was joining sports. "I can play football too," said Ms. Steadman. "How hard can it be? Kick the ball, chase the ball, kick the ball again. Look cute. Easy." Ms. Steadman has joined the Little Kickers program. When reporters pointed out that she has very little experience in sports generally, Ms. Steadman (2) responded with "strong face" (pictured above) and pooped her pants.